?

Log in

pms woe

at least I really hope this is pms woe.

I am the happiest I have ever been in my life - I have a partner who loves me and cherishes me at treats me with respect and devotion. I have a roof over my head and food in the pantry. I have a job and I start a new one next week that allows me the luxury of working from home.

Yet... I believe I am depressed again. I have zero to negative patience for anyone. I got into 2 fights yesterday with friends that have spilled over into today - one of them has been fixed but the other is kind of ongoing.

Noises are bothering me, tapping, change jingling, pens being clicked, typing. The hatred I carry around inside is overwhelming and I want to seriously hurt someone. A very particular someone, but I can't. Stupid fucking conscience and stupid laws preventing me from doling out what she really needs to hear.

Gah! I just needed to vent and I am a thousand percent positive this is all hormonal.

I just ranted on Mick and she stopped me and reassured me we're solid and good and she's not going anywhere, I'm not going anywhere. All of this I know and it was for once, not the basis of my anxiety.

I have so much to look forward to - a party Saturday night, my birthday weekend next weekend with many fun things planned. Christmas with Mick and my family (even though money is super tight). Only one more day of stupid unprepared people. 2 more weeks of 4 hours of commuting every day. So many wonderful things.

I'm avoiding FB mostly because I'm sick to death of hearing about Trump. I'm heartsick at the attacks on people because they think now that he's in power anarchy and hatred can reign.

I'd like to go and sleep for 4 days and hold and be held by Mick. Pet the kitty's and eat copious amounts of junk food and play games and watch tv. *sigh* But alas I have to be a responsible adult.

Thanks for listening.

long time no talk

Hey,

So much has happened since I last wrote.

In March I started to date this wonderful hot butch. I now live with her in Barrie.

I lost my job in July (thank goodness really) and got a new one that started at the end of August in the Eaton Centre. The commute sux but what's worse is that my shift changes every day. There are currently 7 people in my department and 3 shifts; 9-5, 10-6 and 12-8. I work EVERY SINGLE FRIDAY 12-8. It takes me 3 hours to get home after an 8pm shift. I can't say anything because I did switch one shift once and my boss was not happy.

I'm starting to look for work in barrie but our fucking housemate (who is freeloading) neglected to pay the bill for several months so the internet and home phone were disconnected. Any of the resume's I sent out I won't get called on because the phone doesn't work any more :( Yes, maybe people will email but if I were an hr person calling and the phone number didn't work on the resume? I'd write them off.

Anyway, my personal life is great. Mick (hot butch) and I are living together well. Probably because we only see each other one night a week and one weekend night :(

I don't know why it's getting to me today but I'm fed up with the commute. If we had one schedule all week and switched weeks I'd get it, but we change every single day. It's not healthy and well, yeah. I'm thankful to have a job and I'm hopeful I can find something in barrie soon. As I'm only responsible for my debt repayment and my cell phone and half the groceries, I can afford to take a job that pays less than I would normally accept. Barrie bus pass is only $90/month. The benefits to my health and my relationship will be worth the reduction in pay. Plus Mick makes good money so we would be fine.

Any woo you have for a new job would be greatly appreciated :)

Oh yeah - my mom and I were in a car accident on the weekend. Some guy on a motorcycle hit us as we were turning left. No fatalities, one broken ankle (on the passenger of the bike). Turns out the biker is a cop so my mom is being charged. Thankfully only $110 fine and no demerit points or anything but shit, it's maddening.

I think that's all for now - just needed to vent. Hope y'all are well.

xo

oh - good things - Mick and I are going to a women's play party on thanksgiving weekend. We have a play date set up and then we have an airbnb booked so we don't have to drive home at 1am. The next day we're going to my mom's for thanksgiving dinner. :)

long time no talk

hello live journal. long time not talk.

I'm not doing so well these days. i had a gut wrenching conversation yesterday with my best friend that has left me still a bit raw the day after.

She's upset with me because i'm not sharing with her and what i do share is superficial and not authenic. We've known each other long enough that she can tell when i'm doing this. Which of late has been 100% of the time.

My life is in my view - so horrible i don't want to share my reality and bring other people down or have them worry about me. Nor do i want people to feel like they have to walk on eggshells around me. So i have been hibernating in a way.

i struggle every day with being alive. Right now i don't want to be alive. I don't have an active wish to kill myself but i really would rather not be alive. So i want things to get better or at least show me a glimmer of real hope so that i want to be alive. i'm doing most everything i can to make things better - i try to eat regularly and i apply for jobs every day.

i had an interview yesterday at an engineering company where my ex g/f Terri is the head of HR. She (for ethical reasons) has recused herself from the interview and selection process. I won't know if i'm invited back to meet the president (who has final say) until late next week but i'm' way beyond stressed about it. I think the interview went well - they seemed pleased with my answers, the questions i had prepared and that i had brought my references.

I am super stressed about this job for some reason. i've wanted jobs before and been anxious about them but this is different. Maybe it's period hormones? i don't know.

my brain is showing it's utter contempt for the rest of me by throwing out (somtimes) deep and disturbing (for me) thoughts and dreams. The other night i was awoken at 2 am wondering if cats fart. Seriously brain? i also had a dream where Nick got fired. i tried to hug him (i seemed to have forgotten we live 4 hours away from each other) and he pushed me away. i asked why - he said he was scared. Scared of what? scared of falling for me again. AUGH! stop it brain - it's been over a year now.

my brain is also having theoretical physics discussions. I stopped studying science in 1990. Seriously. ~sigh~

However, i have watched some Batdad and had some chocolate and i am feeling marginally less raw. A job at CIBC just popped into my inbox so off i go to work on that :)

Jun. 10th, 2015

i have a plan!

Some fears have been alleviated and my brain is (mostly) clear so I've come up with a plan.

I recognize i'm not focussing well on jobs at home. too many distractions.

So today i'm gonna go check out my local library branch and see what kind of workstations they have there. And if they have work carols (sp?) then i shall go to the library every morning and from 9 - 12 i will work on job applications. the afternoons i can do follow ups from home and domestic stuff like laundry and unpacking and cleaning and groceries and networking and such.

i feel good about this plan. Now all i need is the discipline to do it. Plus this will retrain me to get up and get out for when i do find work :) Mornings won't be so traumatic.

life update

So tonight i had a dr's appointment because he thought something was off.

Turns out i'm borderline depressed. My life just keeps getting better and better. It's to be expected really.

In the past 18 months in no particular order:

the cra emptied my bank account
had to go on welfare and clear out my life savings
got a job where i was bullied and abused
had a stroke
got fired from said job and ended up taking them to the Ministry of Labour
moved 3 times including cities
had my 6 yr long relationship end
have been trying, unsuccessfully for several months to find work
the very first person i email with from eHarmony turns out to be a phisher. he is now removed and banned from eHarmony. but really universe - really? ~sigh~
i'm a few months in arrears of paying my cell phone. it's not a huge amount and i pay a bit each month but still....
3 weeks of insulin is $116. i have 2 more boxes to go before i'm covered by trillium.
i am pretty much the sole emotional support for my Mom - who is losing her job in the next 3 weeks
my step dad is dying slowly but steadily

As a result of all of this - my fuse is incredibly short, i have almost no wiggle room and no patience or tolerance for a large number of things. i cry at the drop of a hat and i beat myself up almost constantly for not being able to handle it all.

i feel completely disconnected from my communities - which actually doesn't bother me as much as i thought it might. i am connected to people so i'm not a total write off.

i still very much want to be a good friend but i'm having a hard time shouldering other people's issues and problems and that pisses me off because that's part of what being a good friend is in my eyes. ~sigh~

Despite all that, i recognize just how rich i am in love and support and friends and family. Ruthie still loves me, Nick pays for netflix so i'm not bored all day. i got new glasses today so i can see better and i'm on the referral list for the diabetic dietician and a counsellor at the lgbtq clinic at sherbourne. My Dr is super amazing and is going to help me get ODSP. I have little girls who love me and whom i can play with whenever i want.This is a bump in the road and it will get better but right now? My life sux.

So that's what's going on for me. Sorry if i'm short over the next little while, while i work through this :)
so i had an interview last week and didn't get the job. I knew i wasn't going to get it but it stings a bit nevertheless.

Today I've spoken with the Ministry of Labour a whole lot recently. My story is consistent each and every time and it seems my former employer is not cooperating so well in that she's not providing sufficient information to help the MOL make a decision. today i had to go through my bank account and let the MOL now what i was paid and when. ~sigh~ It's a measley grand but she's pushing back as hard as she can. It will only be more painful for her in the long run (well, i hope anyway).

I went to a buffet place in Gatineau Monday night with a friend of mine. The food was highly processed and not very good at all. She was ill yesterday, it hit me today. I woke up feeling oogy but starving. i made myself one of my favorite breakfasts - scrambled eggs with cheese and toast. Could only eat about half of it. Felt nauseated for a while and went back to bed at 11. Slept for a couple hours and felt better upon re-waking up. Had some yummy butternut squash soup and finished a job application. I'm feeling much better now thankfully.

i move in 18 days, woohoo!

Send woo!

So from my phone interview this morning, I have an in person interview on Friday at 1pm.

WOOHOO!!!!

i more or less sent my resume in blind - it was a random posting by an acquaintence on Facebook and i got the name of the contact person and sent in my resume with what i hoped would be a good cover letter. It seems to have worked!
The title is Bilingual Event Coordinator which is right up my alley. I have train tickets booked, ruthie is being looked after, i have the resume i sent them printed, and 2 of my 3 references confirmed. all i have to do now is pack a bag and interview clothes :) It's the final puzzle piece (i hope). This is the kind of job i've wanted my entire life so i am very hopeful.

Thanks for all your good woo. I'll keep you posted!

Hope

There is still a glimmer of hope in my life :)

Last week i had applied for a job as a bilingual event coordinator for a marketing company in Toronto. I had more or less forgotten about it in amongst all the jobs i apply for and after a busy and tiring weekend. But this morning they called! I had a quick phone interview and hopefully i'll be asked in for an in person interview.

I really(infinity) want a shot at this job so i hope i get an in person interview.

i feel positive!

Goo

y'all (well most of you anyway) Can probably appreciate this.

So Felicia Day = hawt. Her character Charlie came back from Oz last night on Supernatural. She was good Charlie and evil Charlie. Evil Charlie had her hair slicked back and wore all black.

She opened the show beating the shit out of some dude. She said, i'm going to torture you. And then with a smirk on her face said - who doesn't love a little torture? Kirsten = goo

Then she and Dean go at it. I love me a good fight scene. Between to equally hawt people? One of whom i've hugged in real life? who i somewhat lust after?
GOO

That's all - i'm going to return to being goo for a while now.

Also, i think my phone interview went well this morning. At least i hope it did.

~sigh~

I can't wait until i have nothing but goodness and happiness to write about.

So i just spoke to my dad and he made what i thought was a brilliant suggestion. He has keys and use of the main floor apartment and suggested we stay there on Feb 28th. Saves us from having to deal with his wife and having to rush in the morning to get out to the house. If there's a couch i'm happy :) i'll probably be exhausted anyway.

So i mention this to my mother because she needs to know every single detail. She was like, you can't stay at his place (his being my Dad) and i said yes but we can stay at John's (the main floor guy) so why not? we'll already be there and can monitor the move of the tenants in the upstairs.

I think it's a win win situation and once again she tries to make it very negative :( that makes me sad for her.

However it's *my* move and i have a first interview tomorrow with BMO. I'm taking a bit of a cut throat stance on this job because i really would like it. I am using every advantage i can. I know key words, i know how Hewitt (the external hiring agency) works. so yay

AND I just found out that my apartment is rented so no more showings :)

I say all of this is good :)